If Only I Could...

...sing for you 'til you fall asleep
...ask for your stories that I will keep
...hug you to keep you warm
...let you rest on my arm
...brush your hair with my fingers
...tap your back, you'll feel better
I'll stare at you with shimmering eyes
Then you'll see this love never dies
But with this distance, how can I?
The only sound you can hear is my sigh.

*haaaaay*

The Dream I Would Never Dream

I can still see it clearly....

Few months ago, I had a dream. I woke up catching my breath. My friend who was sleeping beside me tried to wake me up too, thinking that I was having a hard time breathing while I was asleep. She got frightened actually. When I opened my eyes, I was confused. It seemed like my dream was real. Thank God it's not.

I saw my kuya dying in front of me. I still have everything in my mind. I can still remember all the details. I can still hear what everyone was saying before, during and after the incident. It was horrible. My fear was stabbing me hundreds or thousands of times, over and over again.

Catching my breath as I opened my eyes, I don't know what to do. My friend was trying to ask me, or was she saying something? I can't remember. I was so focused on what I have seen. Again, I closed my eyes. I woke up breathless 'cause I was doing the same thing in my dream. So similar that I felt real tears flowing from my eyes. I grabbed my phone, searched for his number and tried to send him a message. I failed for I was blinded by my tears. I calmed down and did everything to contact him -- sent him a text messages, left him a Facebook message, sent his wife a message. I gaped.

I pushed myself to forget. I comforted myself. I watched a TV show with my friend. I put my attention to other things. I tried talking. The whole day I was crying. I waited for replies until the afternoon. Just before the sun set, he did. But still, I just can't get over it.... until now.

Two days ago, I saw him. With all excitement I hid inside, I wanted to cry out loud as he imprisoned me with his arms. I melted. Overjoyed. Overwhelmed.

Sad we were not able to bond so long, just few hours maybe. No long stories. No sacks of jokes to laugh at. No chasing and tickling until we both run out of breath. No food tripping. No massaging of forehead 'til I fall asleep in his arms. But I don't care! To see him and to touch him is enough. I already have all the joys in the world at the moment. Priceless.

The moment he had to leave my side the other day was like... *sigh*  I really wanted to stop him. I wanted to ask, "Could you please stay for just one night?" or "Could I just go with you?" I hugged him so tight and kissed his chicks, letting all my emotions flow into his body, letting him feel how happy I am to see him once again. Well, hope he felt it. Seeing him slowly going far makes my heart beat slower and slower, wishing I could have spent longer time with him. Lucky I was able to pull back my tears.... not like now.


Whenever the memory of that dream flies back, I can't help but shed tears from my eyes. Uhmm, I'm sorry. But writing this and reading this really makes swim in my tears. I don't want it to happen. Not so soon. We'll still see each other and do crazy stuffs 'til our hairs turn gray, right?

Kuya Dong, I love you so much. I am so happy to see you again. Please do take care always, even not for me, but for your family, especially for the baby inside ate's tummy. Can't wait to see your child! I miss you and I always look forward to having lots of quality time with you and ate and kuya and ninang and your baby. ^^.) I'm so happy seeing you happy and continuously going up the ladder of success. Stay positive. I miss you so much. God bless!

Real Man

"I'm Sorry"

These were the words that simply set me free. Unbelievable, yet it happened.

I fell in love with this person. I fell so hard that I broke into tiny pieces -- so backbreaking just to realize how to make it whole again, to distinguish which is the alpha and which is the omega.

Not going into details of this life's chapter, we were not really together yet we had that special and mutual feelings. All of a sudden, this taste of heaven disappeared like a bubble floating in the air. Life became miserable. The worst I could say. No one knew how painful it was, neither the reason behind the tears that raced down my face. I was quiet. I carried my self-made burden all by myself. Well, I knew I should not live in this state of sorrow, so I tried my very best to turn to the next page of my life, abandoned all these things at the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart; wherein no one, even I, can find it.

After around three years, I was already in college. Almost everything in my life changed - surroundings, friends, academics, activities, lifestyle. I even had a new prospect for love, I could say. The night I decided to formally start a relationship with him (yes, this time, a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship), I failed to open up my heart. I was confused. "Why cannot I? It's mine", I hunted for answers.

I held my phone. Suddenly, it rang. I opened the message. Oh, 'twas the person who introduced me to Mr. Tormented N. Tornapart. Just greeting. Then we had a very short yet unforgettable and so precious conversion:

Me: Why did you leave me?
R: I'm sorry.

All the questions in my mind vanished. All the pains evanesced. All my confusions perished. I was in tears --  the last cry for pain and the first cry for freedom. Then I had a boyfriend.


Oh, by the way, all these happened almost five years ago.

(Just in case you are curious what happened to me and my boyfriend in this story, we ended our relationship four months and ten days after. But this time, the break up was so clear. Book was closed. We are good friends. As good as the first person mentioned in this blog.)


Love is a word that has no exact meaning. It brings people to the summit of every emotion. It does magic and a lot more unbelievable things, things beyond one could imagine. It is a four-letter word included in infinite stories. And it is just one word yet can give an individual the worst feeling ever (I mean,  worse than the worst); not knowing that the only cureis another one simple word............


SORRY (with a true blue heart).

The Letter

Way back in high school, around five years ago, our English teacher asked us to write a letter for our father. I kept my scratch letter and this is what was written on it: (sorry for the wrong grammars and misused words; I copied exactly what was written on the scratch *wink*)

Letter written for my one and only dearly loved papa,

How's life? Four years had already passed but, still, I am the "little" lass you left, singing songs you like and inspired by you, and grooving in the dance floor just how you taught me to...

So many words let unspoken - the reason why I snatched this opportunity. I know you know that I am the type of girl who was not able to practice that "openness" they call, but of course, I am sure of myself that all the things I do are not against you and mama or anyone else.. all guided by your teachings, so as God's (though sometimes I really commit mistakes). Back to that "openness" topic, because I am not fond of doing that, I just want you to know that I miss you so much, more than you ever know. And there are these things that sometimes plays on my  mind... like maybe if you are here, I am happier (because you are one of the jocular person I know)... maybe I could have more extra money (hehe!!)... maybe by now, you're helping me in our research project... strange right?! but they're pure.  I am happy 'coz you'll be here this coming March. I know graduation day is very special for you and it is obvious!! You know why?! Because every time you will text me, you always stat these, "aakyat ako ng stage pag-uwi ko (when I go home, I'll climb up the stage)". Frankly, I am really pressured that sometimes I do get tired. But it does not mean that I am giving up, evidently, I am giving the best that I can to fulfill your dreams. Please... do not expect that much, though i cannot say this, I know that deep inside you feel the way that I fail, that is why you always cheer me up saying "kayang kaya mo yan! (You can do it!!)".

I want you to know that I can really say to all of my friends or even yell to everyone that I am the luckiest daughter for I have you as my father. you give us a lot of love and care, doing all the sacrifices you could give just to satisfy our needs, you do not smoke, you do not drink, you are a religious person, talented, you respect mama more than you respect other woman, you love your parents so much... and the last of all, YOU LOVE ME - a love that no one can give but you. *sigh*

Sometimes, I know I hurt you and I am sorry for those things. I was not able to follow your words, sorry. U was not able to reach your expectations, sorry. I cannot say all these things, SORRY.

From all the trials we have been through, I know by now, our family have gained a peculiar quality no one could steal from me. I tell you... all the difficulties that are still on your way, we could pass through them especially now that I have already seen God who keep us and protect us. We can do this!

Take care of yourself always. Keep in touch with me... with God. And remember,

THERE'S ALWAYS A DAYE THAT FOLLOWS AFTER DARK.

Happy Birthday!

feel so blessed to bless

This happened July 26.

I went home from my aunt's house. It took me long time to pick which bus I was going to ride - the economical one knowing that I only had little amount of money in my pocket. After more than 30 minutes of waiting, I still had to ride on an airconditioned bus wherein I have to pay Php 45.00 for fare.  I enjoyed my travel while watching a very nice movie. On one of the bus stops, my surrounding and emotion suddenly changed.

A young lady carrying a baby (less than one year old) and a little girl (four years old I think) rode on the bus. I was sitting on the 2nd row, a seat for three.  She tried to sit on the first row, a seat for two. The driver noticed the lady and told her to transfer on other seats because it could be dangerous for them to sit on the first row. To show that I wanted them to sit beside me and since I was still alone on my seat, I moved a little (away from the window) and gave them space to walk in. They sat beside me.....while the tears were resting on the eyes of the lady.

I was stunned.

I immediately grabbed my phone and sent message to my friends saying, "I feel like crying because of this lady and her children sitting beside me." For a moment, I tried to observe but not letting her notice for I might scare her. They were a dirty. They don't smell good. The lady, though she already has two children (I assumed), she still look so young. They were carrying a backpack and a plastic bag where milk bottles were placed. The little girl has so big wound on her neck and a bit on her face (seems that hot water has been poured on her).

Then I said to myself, "Why do we have to ride on one bus...... hmm.. I think something's gonna happen."

The bus conductor approached and asked for her payment. She handed out Php 60.00 but only gave the conductor Php 40.00.  The conductor asked for Php 5.00.  As the lady gave the other Php 20.00 she had, I looked at her and realized that's the only money she has. Again, I spoke to myself, "Lord, tell me what shall I do."

The clouds were dark but the rain won't show. I was quietly thinking and planning. I observed her again and she was innocently looking outside the bus, still, carrying those tears on her eyes.  After few minutes, she asked me, "Where is this bus headed?". I was surprised. Does she know where she's going? That assured me that something happened to her earlier that day and something should happen to us later.

When we arrived at Alabang at the first bus stop, many people went down. I was supposed to go down the next bus stop and I know that they were supposed to go down there too. I asked her, "Where are you going?". She answered, "Muntinlupa". They were in the right direction.

Going home, I ride a bus, then a jeepney then it's an option for me to walk 'til I reach home or ride on a tricycle. I went back on my planning, looked at my pocket and saw Php 40.00. "If we are going to same direction, then I will pay for their fare at the jeepney." 

"Where in Muntinlupa are you going?"

"Ilaya Alabang", she said. Oh. I got the wrong plan. We were not going on one direction. And I wasn't even sure where that place is though I got an idea how to reach that place. 

As we went down the bus, I took the little girl and held her hands. People were staring at us. Not because of my clothes - I was only wearing a shirt and a shorts - but because of the child I was holding - she was barefooted.  The conductor asked me, "Is she your daughter". I laughed and said no. "You're not with them?", he asked again. "Nope. I saw them on the bus", I answered.

When we were on the roadside, I asked the lady who was looking around and seemed lost, "Do you know where you're going?" She ignored me. I did not know what to do. I was about to go. I already took three steps away from them but I turned around and asked her the same question. Still, she did not answer me. I said, "I think you should ride a tricycle to reach that place".

"I already have no money", softly whispered.

Well I already had planned to pay for their fare but I did not tell her. We crossed a road and approached two cops. I asked them for directions. One of the cops said, "Your were not with them? I thought she was your daughter". I laughed again and said I just met them on the bus.

With the little girl's unshod feet, we continuously walked along the streets and looked for a tricycle. After crossing again another road, I saw a tricycle driver. I asked the man if he knew the place. He said yes and told me that we have to pay Php 50.00 for a ride. I looked at my money and counted, then said to the man, "Could I just pay Php 40.00?" He agreed and let the lady and the children rode on his tricycle. To his surprise, I did not ride. He asked me, "Your were not with them?" Then I told him that I only met them on the bus. He asked me to just come with them because it seemed they did not know where they were going. 

The first thing that came into my mind is "money". I already gave him all my money and if I go with them, I have to pay him again for bringing me back to where I am standing. So I just said, "I'm sorry but I am headed to the opposite direction. Just please bring them home. Thank you very much." I looked at the lady and her children, waved my hand, smiled and said "Take care!". She was speechless. She never said a word. But I know deep inside that she was greatful. ^^.)

So... hmm.. I went home walking. That wasn't that far. I walked a bit fast, took no rest, and reached our house 45 minutes later. I was really really really tired and my feet were already aching but it was all worth it. I prayed they reached home safe and sound, and no matter what happened to them earlier that they, God will bless them and He will be their Provider.

I open my Facebook and made a status,

"i feel more blessed to be a channel of blessings for other people. God bless the mother and her two children."

Dear John

I would like to share these few lines I read from the book of Nicholas Sparks. These might help you too. (n_n)



"...I also learned that it's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that time, the grief...lessens. It may not ever go away completely, but after a while, it's not overwhelming."

"...I finally understood what true love really meant. ... that love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."



If you have other favorite lines from the book, feel free to write it down on the comment box.

Thanks for reading! ^^.)

explosion

And weird ko ngayon, promise! Parang sobrang emosyonal ko pero hindi ko naman mailabas. May gusto ako pagsabihan pero parang hindi appropriate. Kaya naisip ko na lang na dito sabihin.




Di ko alam kung pagod lang talaga ako ngayong araw o nakaapekto yung maling oras ng pagtulog ko ngayon hapon kaya ako ganito. Basta, di ko lang maexplain at medyo nakakainis na. Tapos nagbbrowse lang naman ako ng home page ng Facebook ko, lalo akong naging emosyonal. Well, 'di naman ito yung first time na maramdaman ko 'to, pero iba yung ngayon. Para akong bulkan na gustong sumabog. Gusto ko na nga umiyak. Gustong gusto ko na. Gusto ko basagin tong laptop na nasa harap ko. Pero kung titingnan ako, di naman mababanaag sa akin na ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Waaaaaah! Nakakainis yung feeling na 'to. Tapos dagdagan pa yung feeling na hindi mo alam kung sino 'yung tamang tao na dapat mong pagshare-an ng nararamdaman mo -- yung taong hindi huhusga, yung iintindihin ka kahit 'di mo maexplain ng ayos, yung kahit hindi parin niya magets yung gusto mong sabihin e gagawa siya ng paraan para intindihin ka. Ang hirap ah-ah.




Feeling ko lang talaga, walang nangyayari sa buhya ko. Walang pagbabago. Wala akong nahihita. Wala akong maipagmamalaki. Wala akong nakukuhang gusto ko makuha. Walang wala ako. Alam mo ba 'yun???? 'Yung feeling na hindi umuusad 'yung buhay mo ni isang hakbang! Grrrr. Nakakainis. Hindi ko alam bakit ganito. Gusto kong may mangyari sa buhay ko. Gumagawa naman ako. Pero bakit parang wala akong pinatutunguhan. Wala akong maipagmalaki? Tapos titingin ka sa Facebook Home ang makikita mo eh yung mga kaibigan mong kung anu-ano na 'yung nakamit nila sa buhay. Nakakainis diba???




Bakit ganun????? Ano bang problema? Ako may problema? Wala ba 'kong ginagawang tama sa buhay ko para maging ganito?! Ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin? Naghahanap ako ng trabaho, umabot na ng final interview, maghintay daw ng one week, di na tumawag! Akala ko start na eh. Okay na sana eh.pero wala. Oo, iniisip ko may nakalaan na much bigger for me. Oo, alam ko kailangan ng patience. Oo, alam ko na the more you wait, mas maganda yung paparating na blessing. Pero tao lang din ako! Tao ako! Napapagod din ako. But it doesn't mean na sumusuko na 'ko!




Pag naglabas lang ng ganitong emosyon, negative na agad? Di ba pwedeng intindihin niyo muna bago yung kung anu-anong sinasabi niyo??? Kaya ako ganito eh. Kaya ang hirap maglabas ng mga nararamdaman eh. Kasi mahirap din humanap ng tao na pag pinagsabihan mo eh mauuna pa ung mga negative thoughts nila kesa sa pang-unawa. Eh di kayo na ulit! Kayo na talaga. The best kayo eh.

Replies

(This happened month of May, 2012.)

I was talking to a friend when she asked me how my life goes. She actually wanted to know the latest story between me and this someone... I told my friend we're okay. I am okay. But she won't let me change the topic. For an hour, I think, she kept on forcing me to tell her a story about us. So I ended up summarizing a story in five text messages:

",hahaha. hmm. ganto kasi. nung nagapply kami sa A****** ni *****, katext pa namin si **** **** nun. nasa ** siya nun, dun sa ** niya. yun yung last time na nagkatext kamil."

"kinabukasan nung araw na yun, nadiscover kong nakablock ako ulit sa fb ni **** **** pero di parin naman kami friends pero naunblock na niya ko dati pa."

"hmm di ko siya tinetext pag magkasama sila kasi nga parang di ako ok dun sa gf niya (basis ko e yung pambblock niya sakin the first time) so naghihintay nalang ako na siya unang magtext, but he never did na."

"so nasisip ko na baka nga nakakagulo talaga ako sa relationship nila kaya ganun. sakin, ok lang naman. i want what's best for them and if eliminating me is a part of it, then let it be."

"you know naman na wala akong any bad intentions for them diba? alam mo din that i really enjoy making friends at yun lang ang habol ko. it breaks me to realize that am facing my greatest fear right now but i don't wanna be selfish. kung sa gantong paraan ako makakatulong, bukod sa pagbigay ko ng mga payo before, then i'd rather be happy than broke :) "

Am Hoping

Hmm.. today, me and my closest friend had a very good time together. I held her camera and browsed some pictures, old and new. These pictures brought me to the summit of my emotions.

Happiness and sadness. That was weird but I felt both at the same time while gazing at the colorful screen. I was laughing but deep inside I am drowned in tears. I was so noisy but my heart chose to rest in quietness. I was full of energy but my mind was really fatigued.

Yes, I was wearing a mask but my friend knows what's behind it. I cannot hide it from her. It surprised me when she uttered "why are you sad?" for even I never realized I looked that way. Why?

The pictures were in motion. Some tickled me while others slapped me. Some also hypnotized me and brought me to thousands of places where I went, millions of feelings I felt and countless people I met.

I miss them.

Different stories echoed in my mind. It's like... a strong wind blew and the pages of my life were scattered on the floor. Slowly, I picked each page and the highlighted lines were read. While compiling the pages, I saw pieces of a puzzle. I tried putting them together but I cannot. Then I realized these are my unfinished stories - stories which left me hanging in the air. Stories which have periods at the end....including the hooks above them.

The latest story? The untold one. The kept emotions. The unsaid words.

Greatest Blessing

(Posted by Dianne S. Siena on Saturday, April 18, 2009)

Verse: 2 Cor. 12:9

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Tears… occurring when people react upon hearing other people’s testimonies on how God changed their lives that is because most of the times, they talk about tragedies or accidents or worst experiences they had.  Well, not mine.  Honestly, I really cannot think of a particular incident in my life that in just a snap of a finger, everything in me had changed.  Reviewing the pages of my life, God molded me slowly and in various ways…

Before, she was a kind of lass who lives in a day like every other teenager does: wakes up in the morning, goes to school, does all the necessary things, have some good times with her friends, goes to bed and that’s it! A talented lass she is and very fond of using all of these in many ways.  She joined many competitions and school activities.  She even imagined seeing herself on television.  She loves performing!  For her, this is one of those things that could bring her to the summit of a happy and satisfying life. Every actions, words and decisions she had were all dependent on other people. It was a way for her not to hurt them and so almost everything resulted to good deeds.  This brought out a a kind of lass who is loving, caring, generous, martyr…having an almost perfect kind of heart anyone could see.  During the times of difficulties, she depended a lot on herself.  She put all the weights on her shoulders and kept every bit of hurt.  All painful situations were a me-myself-and-I situation.  She had so much trust on herself.  With the help of her comprehensive mind, she was able to put every piece of these puzzling circumstances into place yet had an immoderate bitterness. Her past journey put her behind bars.  She had this ‘greatest fear’ in life—fear of losing someone.  Not just talking about death, but even loosing someone in physical or emotional sense. But all of these were just part of yesterday and yesterdays are gone.  Things had changed and are changing.  Thoughts were learned and are being learned.  Now a catterpillar, before was an egg, will soon become a butterfly.

"Greatest blessing" is what she thought the best words to describe these people who brought that metamorphosis in her life.  They were the ones used to bring her to the path she never imagined she would be.  They made the light so visible up to an immeasurable size.  At first, she felt she did not belong, she was out of place, and she was empty of the knowledge these people are always talking about.  But there is one thing they share in common—music.  Music was used to fill the gap.  She was unaware that while she was enjoying their rhythm and harmony, her spiritual growth was slowly injected to her until she found herself running towards God with a heart thirsty from His words and a soul hungry from His touch.  The RICM family was a package deal for her.  She had a second family, a friend, a spiritual partner, a brother, a lover, a talent manager, and a counselor.  In addition to this, with them, the people she love and love her in return, she can see, hear and feel God.

Now, she is a kind of lass who lives in a day like every other Christian youth does—wakes up and thank God for another day to live, asks God’s guidance in going to school, dedicates to God all the things she does, spends time with church’s activities, and have a quiet time with God as she goes to bed.  Indeed, she is still very fond of using her potentials, yet this time, not for self-satisfaction but for the glory of God.  She is more productive on what she has, not the peak of satisfying life she thought neither the short-term-happiness she wanted before, but seeing the people opening their hearts and souls to God especially through music. Every actions, words and decisions werel dependent, not to the people around her, but to God.  In times of trials, she does not review her own thoughts anymore but rather on what are being taught in the Bible.  She lets go of worries, fears, doubts, and hurts for she puts her whole trust in God.  Instead of having sorrow in her heart, she rejoices for having these difficulties knowing that these are use by God for her to be stronger and to have deeper faith in Him.  Her journey with the guidance of the Father freed her from the bars and slowly clearing the obstruction to a fearless heart.

In one’s life, it is not always the worst scenario that brings the changes.  It can also be the most multihued thing that came.  And mine was on the chapter of my life when I first wrote about my "Greatest Blessing".  No matter what the days offer, it is me who makes sense…and I choose to be glorious no matter what.

In Christ,

Daye

Love Tricks

If our decisions, feelings and situations never match: I liked you first..we had same feelings..you went beyond what I felt for you..you ran behind me...I rejected you... you were moving on...I was confused...I ran after you...you found your new love. Then maybe God doesn't really wanted us to be together and there is a good reason behind I cannot question.

We may be nice friends but not lovers. We may be feeling in love at first but not on the next hours. We may look good together but not forever. Some things like these. ~~.) And I was just thinking, if time and love are really playing tricks on us, then maybe a moment will come that you'll come to back to me...the moment i have already moved on and i don't want you anymore. hahaha! that's funny but let's see........ ^^

because he doesn't like me

...yes, he doesn't

He keeps on pushin' me to other guys he knew were part of my life before

He keeps on looking for other someone, a.k.a. chicks, to fall in love with

And lastly,

He's sure that soon...he will be falling in love with this girl who we always talk about and who is very close to us.

With this, I'm sure, that our relationship is asymptotic to the line of love,

of more than friendship

and of reality.

...it approaches nearer and nearer but no matter how you extend it infinitely,

it would never meet the line.

(I wrote this on a piece of paper just this afternoon while waiting for my professor to arrive.)

Sikretooooooooo!

mas pinipili kong damahin ang kilig dahil ka-chat kita....

kesa sa sakit dahil ang pinag-uusapan natin at ang inaasar ko sa'yo ay iba.

#lihimnapagtingin

Jom: the hidden one-side story

(Summary and Finale)

This part is the next and last story.

I was suppose to write "the next story" before but I got lazy and I was so confused on the things that I wanted to blog. So just let me do this part. This is like the summary of our whole story actually. This talks mostly about my side... on what is really happening..

As what I have said on my first blog about you, I really like you even before we formally met, even before I made a way for you to get my number and even before we knew each others' names. Cool right? ^^.)

Then came to the point that we communicated very often..almost everyday. Sending text messages as soon as we got free times. Trying to familiarize our selves with each other. Telling different stories about our pasts and try realizing things we have in common. Saying sweet nothings to each other and expressing how you feel towards me.. In contrary, I keep what I feel for you. I was also trying to express but not directly like you do. Those things I knew you missed.

Then the day of the first blog came. You confessed, I rejected. But deep inside, my heart was really in doubt... in trouble.. in tears.

Time passed by, the communication slowed down. You told me you already have decided to leave me -- a way of moving on, forgetting your feeling for me 'coz you know you don't have the chance. I cried for you for the first time. I felt the hurt. It's a traumatic experience for me.. that feeling of being left behind! I hate it. It breaks my heart. So I told you how I felt at that moment. Then you decided not to leave me anymore.

From slowed down status to nothing. Communication eventually stopped. I missed you. Every time I hear my phone ringing, I was hoping it's you. Excitement drops upon reading other people's names.

One day we sent text messages again, you told me your love for me vanished. I was so surprised. But I told myself not to, in the first place I already had a feeling it will happen because the sooner this thing you called "love" exist, the sooner it fade. I was really not convinced, honestly. How could you say these three words just by knowing someone for a very short period of time? It could be a special feeling, infatuation, admiration, and the likes.. but definitely not love. And I guess I was right, because if it is really "love", how did it fade that easy? see my point? Anyway, it's just an opinion.

Moving on... (this part leads to the climax *wink*) During the times we had no talks, I was in a complete trouble with my self. I admit it. This led me to write "Felt It?". I was torn. I, together with my brain, wanted to say "no! don't try. don't do it." for these reasons:

• I was confused with my feelings for you. I was not so sure about it. I was afraid that now I feel this, tomorrow I feel nothing. I don't want to hurt you just because of this confusion.
• You are really not the guy I want for myself (well, sorry for this part). It is a bit hard to explain and understand how and why I came up with such high standards for that someone I wanted to like and to fall in love with. This includes what other people might say -- relatives, parents and friends (arranged in particular order).
• I was thinking about the things you were telling me before. Like what I have mentioned a while ago, with that span of time you felt your love for me. I am also afraid that I might hurt myself again... but not as much as being afraid that I might hurt you.

On the other hand, I, together with my heart, wanted to say "go! give it a try!" for this reason:

• I like you.

Which do you think stood out? It's me and my heart.

Why? You know, I just realized... Every single day I was thinking about this -- am I going to say no? or go? That was e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y! Up to the point that I was getting mad to myself. I became so quiet. Seeing me would really make you think what I have in mind. Other people could easily see that I was in trouble yet they had no idea what was it all about. And guess what! I never realized I was acting so strange for a couple of days already until I heard these people said "why have such a long face?", "do you have a problem?" and "are you sad?".. and I was just like making some excuses because even I don't know how to answer the questions. See? I was really in trouble. To end this tiring routine, I explained to myself, if I agree with my mind, when will my questions end? I will keep on asking my self "what if's". If I followed my heart, I would have the chance to see "what is" and stop thinking about "what if's". I personally would know how it feels to be his. I would know what is really supposed to be done. No regrets, just learning. How will I know if the food is good if I don't taste it???

• December 25, you were the only one I greeted "Merry Christmas" through text. The other people I greeted were just a reply and through Facebook.
• December 28, I was almost there, making my final decision.. 96% done processing.
• December 30, 99% done processing plus thinking of a good sign when to tell you.
• December 31, 100% done. Fears kept. Confidence built. Come-what-may decision made. Approved!
• January 1, 12am. From outside the house, I immediately ran inside, grabbed my mobile, and greeted you while telling myself "I will start this year with you in my life". Quite disappointed with short reply yet happy to be noticed.
• January 2, 5 a.m., my fragile heart was broken. I was in tears but I did everything to stop them from falling. Good thing we left our house to Laguna very early in the morning, so I had reasons for my red teary eyes. My heart was shouting for help but no one came. I just kept quiet and swallowed everything I could. That morning, I saw your changed relationship status, from single to in relationship with [insert name here]. Why did I spoiled my day as early as that? Broken.
• Days after, stupidly, I held with this hope that you're just playing with me. This was also due to the things you were telling me about your "ex" but I think I got the wrong idea so I misinterpreted everything so I was so stupid so I ended up crying. Another scenario was the first time we saw this year, just last Saturday, January 7. I was making ways to express my feelings for you. Did you notice them? But now that I have confirmed you have your new one, I am ashamed of myself. But that's okay...maybe.

In line with this, I wrote "Hey! Yes you."

I was a stalker. ehem! I mean, I AM a stalker.. because until now I can't help myself knowing all the things about you.

• I know her name.
• I know her birthday.
• I know that last Dec. 30, she made a profile banner expressing her love for you.
• I know that last Monday, January 9, you had a little fight with here because she did not believe you had no signal due Black Nazarene Procession.

I know all these.

See how I like you? You missed it. Next time, learn how to read between the lines. Be brighter. hmmm.. (sorry, not meant to hurt you ^^ )

Now, I am teaching my self to move on. Although, honestly, there are times I have this strange feeling I can't explain but I am sure that it's not good and it's because of you. There were also times I was asking myself, "why did I let you go?"

I am not a hundred percent down. I am hurt, yes. But I know the words that should be said to my self:

If our decisions, feelings and situations never match. I liked you first..we had same feelings...you went beyond what I felt for you...you ran behind me...I rejected you...you were moving on...I was confused...I ran after you...you found your new love. Then maybe God doesn't really wanted us to be together and there is a good reason behind I cannot question. We may be nice friends but not lovers. We maybe feeling in love at first but not on the next hours. We may look good together but not forever. Some things like these. ~~.) And I was just thinking, if time and love are really playing tricks on us, then maybe a moment will come that you'll come back to me....the moment I have already moved on and I don't want you anymore. hahaha! that's funny but let's see........

Saying "i love you" to someone takes a big responsibility, so be careful. These words should be uttered with both your hands down, with sincerity, with pure heart. Or else, you'll see someone picking up the pieces of her heart.

Love takes time to realize it's really that thing you call love.

Am willing to hear your story...I'll be waiting.

cry a river

Last night, I cried so hard, really really hard, as if there was no tomorrow. It happened just before I fell asleep. I never realized I have this burden inside of me. It felt really bad. My heart was like exploding from emotions. I cannot stop myself from crying. I own these tears but I cannot command them to stop falling from my eyes. I wanted to cry out loud but I should not... So quietly, I battled. That night was definitely unexpected.

I am not sure how it all started or where did this pin that caused my heart to burst came from. Maybe lots of troubles are coming into my life now and I was so overwhelmed as they all came simultaneously. While I was crying, I looked at every aspect of my life. Every aspect has its own trouble to deal with. Suddenly, I realized I am with no one. The obstacles that flash backed in my head were known by no one aside from me.

Thinking of all these things that were drowning me into tears, I thought of a way to, somehow, lighten the burdens -- to talk to someone. One name came into my mind. Sarah. Just then, it made me cry harder. Yes, it is easy for me to talk to her but how? Even a cent cannot be grabbed from my pocket. A phone call cannot be done for I have no private space. So I just shouted her name repeatedly in my mind, hoping that she could hear me by heart.

The morning I woke up, I acted as if nothing happened, though my eyes could speak for me. I felt better because of crying but I will not lie by telling that the loads I am carrying is now less than what I felt last night.

No matter how funny a person could be, there will always be a time that sadness cannot be masked by laughter and smiles.

hey! yes you.

I honestly wanna give it a try but i don't know how and what to say...

now that you've found a new one, I promise soon I'll be okay.