"I'm Sorry"

These were the words that simply set me free. Unbelievable, yet it happened.

I fell in love with this person. I fell so hard that I broke into tiny pieces -- so backbreaking just to realize how to make it whole again, to distinguish which is the alpha and which is the omega.

Not going into details of this life's chapter, we were not really together yet we had that special and mutual feelings. All of a sudden, this taste of heaven disappeared like a bubble floating in the air. Life became miserable. The worst I could say. No one knew how painful it was, neither the reason behind the tears that raced down my face. I was quiet. I carried my self-made burden all by myself. Well, I knew I should not live in this state of sorrow, so I tried my very best to turn to the next page of my life, abandoned all these things at the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart; wherein no one, even I, can find it.

After around three years, I was already in college. Almost everything in my life changed - surroundings, friends, academics, activities, lifestyle. I even had a new prospect for love, I could say. The night I decided to formally start a relationship with him (yes, this time, a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship), I failed to open up my heart. I was confused. "Why cannot I? It's mine", I hunted for answers.

I held my phone. Suddenly, it rang. I opened the message. Oh, 'twas the person who introduced me to Mr. Tormented N. Tornapart. Just greeting. Then we had a very short yet unforgettable and so precious conversion:

Me: Why did you leave me?
R: I'm sorry.

All the questions in my mind vanished. All the pains evanesced. All my confusions perished. I was in tears --  the last cry for pain and the first cry for freedom. Then I had a boyfriend.


Oh, by the way, all these happened almost five years ago.

(Just in case you are curious what happened to me and my boyfriend in this story, we ended our relationship four months and ten days after. But this time, the break up was so clear. Book was closed. We are good friends. As good as the first person mentioned in this blog.)


Love is a word that has no exact meaning. It brings people to the summit of every emotion. It does magic and a lot more unbelievable things, things beyond one could imagine. It is a four-letter word included in infinite stories. And it is just one word yet can give an individual the worst feeling ever (I mean,  worse than the worst); not knowing that the only cureis another one simple word............


SORRY (with a true blue heart).

The Letter

Way back in high school, around five years ago, our English teacher asked us to write a letter for our father. I kept my scratch letter and this is what was written on it: (sorry for the wrong grammars and misused words; I copied exactly what was written on the scratch *wink*)

Letter written for my one and only dearly loved papa,

How's life? Four years had already passed but, still, I am the "little" lass you left, singing songs you like and inspired by you, and grooving in the dance floor just how you taught me to...

So many words let unspoken - the reason why I snatched this opportunity. I know you know that I am the type of girl who was not able to practice that "openness" they call, but of course, I am sure of myself that all the things I do are not against you and mama or anyone else.. all guided by your teachings, so as God's (though sometimes I really commit mistakes). Back to that "openness" topic, because I am not fond of doing that, I just want you to know that I miss you so much, more than you ever know. And there are these things that sometimes plays on my  mind... like maybe if you are here, I am happier (because you are one of the jocular person I know)... maybe I could have more extra money (hehe!!)... maybe by now, you're helping me in our research project... strange right?! but they're pure.  I am happy 'coz you'll be here this coming March. I know graduation day is very special for you and it is obvious!! You know why?! Because every time you will text me, you always stat these, "aakyat ako ng stage pag-uwi ko (when I go home, I'll climb up the stage)". Frankly, I am really pressured that sometimes I do get tired. But it does not mean that I am giving up, evidently, I am giving the best that I can to fulfill your dreams. Please... do not expect that much, though i cannot say this, I know that deep inside you feel the way that I fail, that is why you always cheer me up saying "kayang kaya mo yan! (You can do it!!)".

I want you to know that I can really say to all of my friends or even yell to everyone that I am the luckiest daughter for I have you as my father. you give us a lot of love and care, doing all the sacrifices you could give just to satisfy our needs, you do not smoke, you do not drink, you are a religious person, talented, you respect mama more than you respect other woman, you love your parents so much... and the last of all, YOU LOVE ME - a love that no one can give but you. *sigh*

Sometimes, I know I hurt you and I am sorry for those things. I was not able to follow your words, sorry. U was not able to reach your expectations, sorry. I cannot say all these things, SORRY.

From all the trials we have been through, I know by now, our family have gained a peculiar quality no one could steal from me. I tell you... all the difficulties that are still on your way, we could pass through them especially now that I have already seen God who keep us and protect us. We can do this!

Take care of yourself always. Keep in touch with me... with God. And remember,

THERE'S ALWAYS A DAYE THAT FOLLOWS AFTER DARK.

Happy Birthday!

feel so blessed to bless

This happened July 26.

I went home from my aunt's house. It took me long time to pick which bus I was going to ride - the economical one knowing that I only had little amount of money in my pocket. After more than 30 minutes of waiting, I still had to ride on an airconditioned bus wherein I have to pay Php 45.00 for fare.  I enjoyed my travel while watching a very nice movie. On one of the bus stops, my surrounding and emotion suddenly changed.

A young lady carrying a baby (less than one year old) and a little girl (four years old I think) rode on the bus. I was sitting on the 2nd row, a seat for three.  She tried to sit on the first row, a seat for two. The driver noticed the lady and told her to transfer on other seats because it could be dangerous for them to sit on the first row. To show that I wanted them to sit beside me and since I was still alone on my seat, I moved a little (away from the window) and gave them space to walk in. They sat beside me.....while the tears were resting on the eyes of the lady.

I was stunned.

I immediately grabbed my phone and sent message to my friends saying, "I feel like crying because of this lady and her children sitting beside me." For a moment, I tried to observe but not letting her notice for I might scare her. They were a dirty. They don't smell good. The lady, though she already has two children (I assumed), she still look so young. They were carrying a backpack and a plastic bag where milk bottles were placed. The little girl has so big wound on her neck and a bit on her face (seems that hot water has been poured on her).

Then I said to myself, "Why do we have to ride on one bus...... hmm.. I think something's gonna happen."

The bus conductor approached and asked for her payment. She handed out Php 60.00 but only gave the conductor Php 40.00.  The conductor asked for Php 5.00.  As the lady gave the other Php 20.00 she had, I looked at her and realized that's the only money she has. Again, I spoke to myself, "Lord, tell me what shall I do."

The clouds were dark but the rain won't show. I was quietly thinking and planning. I observed her again and she was innocently looking outside the bus, still, carrying those tears on her eyes.  After few minutes, she asked me, "Where is this bus headed?". I was surprised. Does she know where she's going? That assured me that something happened to her earlier that day and something should happen to us later.

When we arrived at Alabang at the first bus stop, many people went down. I was supposed to go down the next bus stop and I know that they were supposed to go down there too. I asked her, "Where are you going?". She answered, "Muntinlupa". They were in the right direction.

Going home, I ride a bus, then a jeepney then it's an option for me to walk 'til I reach home or ride on a tricycle. I went back on my planning, looked at my pocket and saw Php 40.00. "If we are going to same direction, then I will pay for their fare at the jeepney." 

"Where in Muntinlupa are you going?"

"Ilaya Alabang", she said. Oh. I got the wrong plan. We were not going on one direction. And I wasn't even sure where that place is though I got an idea how to reach that place. 

As we went down the bus, I took the little girl and held her hands. People were staring at us. Not because of my clothes - I was only wearing a shirt and a shorts - but because of the child I was holding - she was barefooted.  The conductor asked me, "Is she your daughter". I laughed and said no. "You're not with them?", he asked again. "Nope. I saw them on the bus", I answered.

When we were on the roadside, I asked the lady who was looking around and seemed lost, "Do you know where you're going?" She ignored me. I did not know what to do. I was about to go. I already took three steps away from them but I turned around and asked her the same question. Still, she did not answer me. I said, "I think you should ride a tricycle to reach that place".

"I already have no money", softly whispered.

Well I already had planned to pay for their fare but I did not tell her. We crossed a road and approached two cops. I asked them for directions. One of the cops said, "Your were not with them? I thought she was your daughter". I laughed again and said I just met them on the bus.

With the little girl's unshod feet, we continuously walked along the streets and looked for a tricycle. After crossing again another road, I saw a tricycle driver. I asked the man if he knew the place. He said yes and told me that we have to pay Php 50.00 for a ride. I looked at my money and counted, then said to the man, "Could I just pay Php 40.00?" He agreed and let the lady and the children rode on his tricycle. To his surprise, I did not ride. He asked me, "Your were not with them?" Then I told him that I only met them on the bus. He asked me to just come with them because it seemed they did not know where they were going. 

The first thing that came into my mind is "money". I already gave him all my money and if I go with them, I have to pay him again for bringing me back to where I am standing. So I just said, "I'm sorry but I am headed to the opposite direction. Just please bring them home. Thank you very much." I looked at the lady and her children, waved my hand, smiled and said "Take care!". She was speechless. She never said a word. But I know deep inside that she was greatful. ^^.)

So... hmm.. I went home walking. That wasn't that far. I walked a bit fast, took no rest, and reached our house 45 minutes later. I was really really really tired and my feet were already aching but it was all worth it. I prayed they reached home safe and sound, and no matter what happened to them earlier that they, God will bless them and He will be their Provider.

I open my Facebook and made a status,

"i feel more blessed to be a channel of blessings for other people. God bless the mother and her two children."