Jom: the hidden one-side story

(Summary and Finale)

This part is the next and last story.

I was suppose to write "the next story" before but I got lazy and I was so confused on the things that I wanted to blog. So just let me do this part. This is like the summary of our whole story actually. This talks mostly about my side... on what is really happening..

As what I have said on my first blog about you, I really like you even before we formally met, even before I made a way for you to get my number and even before we knew each others' names. Cool right? ^^.)

Then came to the point that we communicated very often..almost everyday. Sending text messages as soon as we got free times. Trying to familiarize our selves with each other. Telling different stories about our pasts and try realizing things we have in common. Saying sweet nothings to each other and expressing how you feel towards me.. In contrary, I keep what I feel for you. I was also trying to express but not directly like you do. Those things I knew you missed.

Then the day of the first blog came. You confessed, I rejected. But deep inside, my heart was really in doubt... in trouble.. in tears.

Time passed by, the communication slowed down. You told me you already have decided to leave me -- a way of moving on, forgetting your feeling for me 'coz you know you don't have the chance. I cried for you for the first time. I felt the hurt. It's a traumatic experience for me.. that feeling of being left behind! I hate it. It breaks my heart. So I told you how I felt at that moment. Then you decided not to leave me anymore.

From slowed down status to nothing. Communication eventually stopped. I missed you. Every time I hear my phone ringing, I was hoping it's you. Excitement drops upon reading other people's names.

One day we sent text messages again, you told me your love for me vanished. I was so surprised. But I told myself not to, in the first place I already had a feeling it will happen because the sooner this thing you called "love" exist, the sooner it fade. I was really not convinced, honestly. How could you say these three words just by knowing someone for a very short period of time? It could be a special feeling, infatuation, admiration, and the likes.. but definitely not love. And I guess I was right, because if it is really "love", how did it fade that easy? see my point? Anyway, it's just an opinion.

Moving on... (this part leads to the climax *wink*) During the times we had no talks, I was in a complete trouble with my self. I admit it. This led me to write "Felt It?". I was torn. I, together with my brain, wanted to say "no! don't try. don't do it." for these reasons:

• I was confused with my feelings for you. I was not so sure about it. I was afraid that now I feel this, tomorrow I feel nothing. I don't want to hurt you just because of this confusion.
• You are really not the guy I want for myself (well, sorry for this part). It is a bit hard to explain and understand how and why I came up with such high standards for that someone I wanted to like and to fall in love with. This includes what other people might say -- relatives, parents and friends (arranged in particular order).
• I was thinking about the things you were telling me before. Like what I have mentioned a while ago, with that span of time you felt your love for me. I am also afraid that I might hurt myself again... but not as much as being afraid that I might hurt you.

On the other hand, I, together with my heart, wanted to say "go! give it a try!" for this reason:

• I like you.

Which do you think stood out? It's me and my heart.

Why? You know, I just realized... Every single day I was thinking about this -- am I going to say no? or go? That was e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y! Up to the point that I was getting mad to myself. I became so quiet. Seeing me would really make you think what I have in mind. Other people could easily see that I was in trouble yet they had no idea what was it all about. And guess what! I never realized I was acting so strange for a couple of days already until I heard these people said "why have such a long face?", "do you have a problem?" and "are you sad?".. and I was just like making some excuses because even I don't know how to answer the questions. See? I was really in trouble. To end this tiring routine, I explained to myself, if I agree with my mind, when will my questions end? I will keep on asking my self "what if's". If I followed my heart, I would have the chance to see "what is" and stop thinking about "what if's". I personally would know how it feels to be his. I would know what is really supposed to be done. No regrets, just learning. How will I know if the food is good if I don't taste it???

• December 25, you were the only one I greeted "Merry Christmas" through text. The other people I greeted were just a reply and through Facebook.
• December 28, I was almost there, making my final decision.. 96% done processing.
• December 30, 99% done processing plus thinking of a good sign when to tell you.
• December 31, 100% done. Fears kept. Confidence built. Come-what-may decision made. Approved!
• January 1, 12am. From outside the house, I immediately ran inside, grabbed my mobile, and greeted you while telling myself "I will start this year with you in my life". Quite disappointed with short reply yet happy to be noticed.
• January 2, 5 a.m., my fragile heart was broken. I was in tears but I did everything to stop them from falling. Good thing we left our house to Laguna very early in the morning, so I had reasons for my red teary eyes. My heart was shouting for help but no one came. I just kept quiet and swallowed everything I could. That morning, I saw your changed relationship status, from single to in relationship with [insert name here]. Why did I spoiled my day as early as that? Broken.
• Days after, stupidly, I held with this hope that you're just playing with me. This was also due to the things you were telling me about your "ex" but I think I got the wrong idea so I misinterpreted everything so I was so stupid so I ended up crying. Another scenario was the first time we saw this year, just last Saturday, January 7. I was making ways to express my feelings for you. Did you notice them? But now that I have confirmed you have your new one, I am ashamed of myself. But that's okay...maybe.

In line with this, I wrote "Hey! Yes you."

I was a stalker. ehem! I mean, I AM a stalker.. because until now I can't help myself knowing all the things about you.

• I know her name.
• I know her birthday.
• I know that last Dec. 30, she made a profile banner expressing her love for you.
• I know that last Monday, January 9, you had a little fight with here because she did not believe you had no signal due Black Nazarene Procession.

I know all these.

See how I like you? You missed it. Next time, learn how to read between the lines. Be brighter. hmmm.. (sorry, not meant to hurt you ^^ )

Now, I am teaching my self to move on. Although, honestly, there are times I have this strange feeling I can't explain but I am sure that it's not good and it's because of you. There were also times I was asking myself, "why did I let you go?"

I am not a hundred percent down. I am hurt, yes. But I know the words that should be said to my self:

If our decisions, feelings and situations never match. I liked you first..we had same feelings...you went beyond what I felt for you...you ran behind me...I rejected you...you were moving on...I was confused...I ran after you...you found your new love. Then maybe God doesn't really wanted us to be together and there is a good reason behind I cannot question. We may be nice friends but not lovers. We maybe feeling in love at first but not on the next hours. We may look good together but not forever. Some things like these. ~~.) And I was just thinking, if time and love are really playing tricks on us, then maybe a moment will come that you'll come back to me....the moment I have already moved on and I don't want you anymore. hahaha! that's funny but let's see........

Saying "i love you" to someone takes a big responsibility, so be careful. These words should be uttered with both your hands down, with sincerity, with pure heart. Or else, you'll see someone picking up the pieces of her heart.

Love takes time to realize it's really that thing you call love.

Am willing to hear your story...I'll be waiting.