if there's one thing that could really hold me back, it's my fear of losing people. I don't just mean dying..even just losing the closeness I have with someone.
I always look for an "individual" -- someone who's kinda ideal for me and i cannot really tell you all the characteristics i want for that "individual" to have -- I want someone who can fully understand me, who will always be there for me, who will always listen, who is assured of not leaving me. I am not pertaining to a particular person, but I have seen some who can stand as that "individual".
Unfortunately, like what I've said, I have a not-so-good attitude. I do not know how I acquired it but if you ask me to narrate the very first time I learned about this attitude, I surely can.
Whenever I see a person who can play the role as my "individual", I do everything! as in e-v-e-r-y-thing! However, I am in an imperfect world..and we are not the only persons here. They always have other people whom they could spend more time with..more laughter..more secrets..more care..more feelings. More of everything they could give me. And this presses my syndrome button on.
Distance starts growing between us. I get jealous. I start getting irritated. I just shut up. I cannot look at their eyes. I cannot talk straight to them. I cannot hide my feelings no matter how I try (and this is the only situation wherein I cannot pretend I am really ok). Then people around me will start asking questions but none of them will hear the right answer.
FEAR. That's the root of it. I am wrong, yes. But how can pretend if it is what scares me most. I am afraid of losing that person. I am afraid that because of other people, he will forget me.. no more time..no more laughter..no more secrets..no more care..no more feelings. No more of everything I asked them once. Then my syndrome gets worse.
When I start acting so strange to that "individual", I also start feeling ashamed of myself. Ashamed of doing such inappropriate, none-sense and stupid actions. In addition to distance, walls begin to rise.
I am the one who created all these I-cannot-handle-pains. These scenarios just keep on repeating..showing that I am still not learning.
Sad.
For all those people, lass or lad, who will experience, who are experiencing and who already experienced these things from me, this is my message for you: I am so sorry. I really am. I am enveloped with fear. I hope you understand, even just some of the things I want you to understand. I desire to bring back all the best times we had together, hey! I still have them all here.. but I don't know how to begin the ending of this syndrome-atic story. The bottomline? I just love you so much! And you're someone I cannot afford to lose........though I just did. (-.-)
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