The Light

(this post is a response to the previous post entitled "speechless")

I have already figured out where to start.

...............

We were still young when our eyes met. It was not really meant for something special because, at some point, we do belong in one race. I may not exactly know how, but we are relatives. As kids and neighbors, we played everyday during vacations ('cause that's the only time we could see each other). I do not want to assume, but the way you looked at me, it seemed that you were up to something. And at this point, I want you to know, whatever it was, it simply made me smile.

Anyway, that something turned into nothing. We never had so much talk before. We did not even had chances to bond. We were not able to see each other regularly. I mean... there was really nothing. The only connection that we had was that "way he looked at me".

Now that were beyond our teenage lives (just two years beyond..=P) we met again. This time, I could say that (omg, i am having a very big smile on my face as I think of the words that will follow) we are having great times unlike before. This is actually the opposite of the previous paragraphs. We really really spend good times when we're together. We laugh until we cry. We say lots of things to each other. We do lots of stuffs. We sleep together (ssssshhh) and we do lots of crazy things. O-M-G. I so love it! as in! ^____________^

We joke around all the time. The jokes included the feelings we have for each other. He says sweet things for me, so do I. He says he like and love me, i do not. haha! But everything is a joke. (o0o00ps, i hanged in this part, taking couple of minutes for me to think and write the next part of the story) hmm.. that was on your part. on my part.....i am really not so sure.

This is where the conflict began, i think.

At first, i was not really that sure of your seriousness with your past relationship. That girl I know very well, you treated her as your last and true love, you said. The way you joke about your feelings for me, I thought I'll be having a chance to experience having you as my special someone. With this, my heart and my mind do not agree. My heart is blind, it always go with whatever will make me feel happy.. and be in love. On the other hand, my mind says so much things about you, negative things mostly. You are not the guy I want, honestly. You do not meet the standards (i am sorry). I know our relationship will be "us against the world". These are the reasons I met a friend named Confusion.

(A part of this story will be told on the next blog. It's quite a revelation so I did not include it here.)

With our bonding moments, we did things usually done beyond friendship. Well, not that far but still beyond the line. Until the day came that I felt so hurt...i never expected this. We had a very nice conversation that day. You opened up so many things. You told me secrets. You told me about your true feelings. At first, my gratitude for you overflowed. I was so happy that you opened up with me about so many things (knowing that you're a guy who is not fond of doing such thing) but at the end of the day, tears were overflowing.

You told me the words, "Just promise me not to fall in love with me, ok?" I do not know why I was so hurt. Was I falling in love? Am I already there? Or almost? I don't know. All I know is that I was hurt.

The heart and the mind shows different emotions. Heart is depressed, mind is kinda rejoicing. Heart wants to see him, mind wants to forget. Personally? I want the mind to win...just wanna avoid troubles.

To you, I call light, I understand your situation. You search for love. You search for something that you long to have. I may not know the whole story of your life but I do understand how you feel. Even though we cannot go beyond of what we have right now, I will always be her for you, sincerely loving you and caring for you. I stand with my promise..that while you still do not have that girl who will love you and be with you forever, I will put my self in her shoes for now.

Do not worry, I will also remind myself not to fall in love with you.