recently, i was broken. really. you know what my fear is. relationships always break me. kahit anong klasing relationship pa yan. not just boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. this time, just to be specific, friendship.
huli na nung nalaman ko why i reacted that way. i was enveloped with fear. think of this, they're all i have. tapos mawawala pa. felt that? the pain? the thing that brought me out of my mind? i made so many stupid stuffs. for the first time, sumuntok ako sa wall. i was hurt! pero wala yun sa sakit na nararamdaman ko.
everything started when i realized that a friend of mine can leave me because of her new special someone. until now, we haven't talked about that to clarify. and i can feel that we're still not totally okay. but our status now is absolutely better than the moment we were ignoring each other.
she didn't even bother to ask personally. then i knew, hindi pa pala talaga niya narerealize why i behaved that way before. wanna know my realizations? kahit kasi ako, huli na nung naintindihan ko yung sarili ko. not because i wanted to go with her that time she left me. and ABSOLUTELY not because ako wala pa e siya meron na. like what i said, knowing that the only thing you have will be snatched from you creates a deep wound. wound that cannot be healed. i am so scared na mawalan siya ng time for me (like what i can see and feel right now). i am so scared na kayang kaya na niya kong iwan o i-take for granted because she already have her someone. so para saan pa ako di ba? get it? or not? i understand if not. i always expect that way.
i never told her. and i am still planning not to tell her. for what? none sense. maybe i just have to remind myself with this all over again... 'immunity heals'.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.
Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.
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